Encourage your child to ignore the bully, seek help from an authority figure and stay with a trusted group of friends

Growing up, you probably encountered plenty of kids who were unpleasant, if not downright mean — what you’d typically call a “bully.”

Today’s kids are likely having similar experiences. The National Center for Education Statistics found that in 2019, 22% of students reported being bullied at school — and this was just the 12-18 age group. 

What's more, bullying in certain communities is also a persistent problem. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)’s 2021 Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS) found that U.S. high schoolers who consider themselves to be lesbian, gay or bisexual reported being bullied on school property (23%) and cyberbullied (27%) significantly more than their straight peers.

And as many of us unfortunately know, bullying can happen long after we leave school — and can manifest in many ways. With the rise of social media and cyberbullying, strategies to prevent and manage bullying have evolved as well.

Psychiatrist Zeyd Khan, MD, explains the different types of bullying, how to spot them and how to manage it all.

What is bullying?

In short, bullying is picking on, demeaning or making someone feel inferior, usually in a group or social setting. Bullying takes many different forms and can go beyond verbal abuse and physical abuse. “In the past, you probably heard the phrase, ‘Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me,’” shares Dr. Khan. “But then, over time, we learned that words are harmful in their own ways.”

For example, your child may experience more “subtle” examples of bullying like social shunning or exclusion, where they’re made to feel left out of conversations or activities. And while getting the cold shoulder from someone may not seem like bullying on the surface, it can be just as hurtful if it’s happening repeatedly. Dr. Khan points out that this can also lead to harmful gossip and the spread of rumors.

“In this digital age, comments that maybe you could once brush off or move past pretty quickly are set in stone and sit with you,” he notes. “Perhaps you can’t even delete them or get past them, as they keep coming back. Social media is such a part of their social life, it’s hard for kids to go offline.”

Here are the types of bullying you or your child can encounter:

  • Physical bullying. One of the most serious kinds of bullying is physical bullying. This involves hurting someone’s body or possessions. While the most common example is a physical attack on a person, it can take other forms as well. Examples include someone hitting, kicking, pushing or breaking your things.
  • Verbal bullying.If you’ve ever encountered a bully, you know that words can hurt. Examples of this type of bullying include teasing, name-calling, inappropriate comments, taunting or threatening to cause harm. A lot of times, verbal attacks from bullies are disguised as “jokes” or “teasing,” but they can still cause harm, especially if they build over time.
  • Psychological or emotional bullying. This involves actions intended to harm someone’s emotional well-being. It may be less obvious than verbal or physical attacks, but it can do just as much harm. Examples include constant criticism, manipulation, gaslighting or making someone feel scared or controlled. Emotional bullying can be subtle and hard to recognize, but it can have serious effects on your mental health.
  • Cyberbullying. This type of bullying happens online, often via social media. While it’s not “in person,” it can still be a major concern. Reading mean comments directed at you can be just as harsh, but this form of bullying can also come from people hiding their true identity. And those comments can quickly become widespread if they go viral.

How to recognize bullying

Whether you’re the one being bullied or witnessing it happening to your child or someone else, the signs of bullying may not always be obvious. Dr. Khan says that it depends on who the person is. For example, young kids can react differently than adults do.

“Everyone deals with this in their own ways,” he notes. But there are some more common reactions. Here are a few signs of bullying.

Depression

Bullying might bring on feelings of depression. “When children are depressed, you start to see irritability,” Dr. Khan explains. “The typical teenage-type mood is a piece of that — but when it’s prolonged, significant and a stark change from normal, then you start to worry.”

Other signs of depression include:

  • A persistent feeling of sadness or “emptiness.”
  • A persistent feeling of hopelessness.
  • Feeling irritable or restless.
  • Losing interest in hobbies, activities or socializing.

Avoidance

For kids, this is often the schoolyard. And sure, we all have days when we just want to play hooky from work or school. But if your child frequently reports pain or physical symptoms as a reason for staying home, this may be a sign they’re looking to avoid school due to a bully.

“You might start hearing your child say things like, ‘Oh, I’m having a lot of headaches. I don’t want to go to school. I don’t feel well.’ These might let you know, ‘Oh, there could be something else going on here.’ It would make sense — if a place you’re going to doesn’t feel safe anymore, then you don’t want to go there,” points out Dr. Khan.

Similarly, an adult may skip other places (virtual or real) to avoid their bullies. If you or someone you know is skipping work shifts or not logging onto their online community, it may be a sign of bullying.

Anxiety

Dr. Khan says anxiety, especially social anxiety, is a common sign of someone getting bullied. As with school avoidance, stomach pains and headaches can be clues. That’s because serotonin, a neurotransmitter or chemical that your body’s nerve cells use to send signals, affects both your brain and your gut. Low levels of serotonin are linked to anxiety, headaches and gut problems like irritable bowel syndrome.

Changes in behavior

One of the biggest signs of bullying is changes in behavior. If your once-social kid starts to act differently, or their performance at school starts to change, this could also be a sign they’re being bullied. “Maybe you see that it’s harder for them to concentrate,” Dr. Khan poses. “Maybe their grades are starting to drop quite a bit. Maybe you start to see a loss of self-confidence. Those are all some warning signs that parents should be aware of and be on guard for.”

How to spot a bully

It can be hard to pinpoint who the bully is. But it’s important to recognize the source of the bullying when it happens so you can — or so you can help your child — work through the conflict.

Some common signs of a bully are:

  • Aggressive behavior.Bullies often show aggressive behavior. This can include hitting, pushing or physically hurting others. They might also take or break other people’s belongings.
  • Name-calling and teasing. Bullies frequently use mean words. They might call people names, tease in hurtful ways or make fun of someone’s appearance, clothes or other personal traits.
  • Exclusion.A bully might deliberately leave someone out of group activities or social events. They might tell others not to be friends with a certain person or spread rumors to isolate someone.
  • Threats.Bullies often use threats to control or intimidate others. They might say things like, “If you don’t do this, I’ll hurt you,” or “I’ll make your life miserable if you tell anyone.”
  • Enjoying other’s pain. Bullies often seem to enjoy seeing others in distress. They might laugh or smile when someone is upset or hurt.
  • Dominating behavior. Bullies like to be in control and often try to dominate others. They might boss people around or make them do things they don’t want to do.
  • Manipulation.Bullies can be very manipulative. They might lie or spread false stories to get others to turn against someone or to get their way.
  • Frequent conflicts. Bullies are often involved in arguments or fights. They tend to have conflicts with multiple people, not just one person.
  • Disregard for rules.Bullies often break rules and don’t care about the consequences. They might get into trouble frequently at school or other places.

How to not become a bully

If you’re a parent or caregiver, it’s also important to make sure your kids aren’t getting pulled into bullying behaviors.

Here are some ways for your child (or even yourself) to face their behaviors if you think they’re being a bully or someone has confronted them about it:

  • Empathize. Ask your child to put themself in someone else’s shoes. Encourage them to think about what they said or did to someone, and then think about how it would make them feel if they were on the receiving end of those comments and actions.
  • Be open.If someone confronts your child about something they’ve done that may have hurt someone or made them feel bullied, encourage your child to be open. It can be a hard thing to hear in the moment, but it’s an opportunity for your child to apologize and grow from their actions.
  • Show respect to those around you. Here’s the reality: You don’t have to be best friends with everyone you meet or interact with. But you do owe the people around you respect and to meet them where they are. Reinforce this sentiment with your child regularly.

What can you do about the bully

In the moment, stopping bullying when it’s already going on can be difficult. “There are only a few strategies that may have shown to be helpful,” says Dr. Khan. “Even those aren’t necessarily helpful in every single situation. Walking away or telling a bully to stop can be effective in some cases, but not in others.

“In speaking with a lot of kids who have been bullied, the biggest thing they feel is this sense of being alone, that no one else around them who’s seeing this happen is intervening.”

Here are some strategies to share:

Stay calm and confident

When facing a bully, try to stay calm. Don’t let them see that you’re upset. Stand tall, make eye contact and speak confidently. Bullies often look for reactions, and if they see that you’re not easily bothered, they might back off.

But, as Dr. Khan points out, it may not always be the best decision to tell the bully off, even if it’s tempting. “What isn’t as helpful is necessarily talking back toward the bully,” he says.

Ignore and avoid the bully

Sometimes, the best reaction is no reaction. If a bully doesn’t get the attention they’re looking for, they might lose interest. If you can, walk away and avoid getting into an argument.

When it comes to bullying, it’s all about protecting your peace. Whenever possible, stay away from places where the bully is likely to be. Change your routine if needed to avoid running into them.

Use humor

If you can, try to defuse the situation with humor. A funny comment or joke might catch the bully off guard and make them stop. Just make sure it’s light-hearted and not mean.

Stick with friends or a trusted group

There’s strength in numbers. Stay close to friends or classmates when you know a bully is around. Bullies are less likely to target you if you’re not alone. You can also use friends, coworkers or acquaintances to defuse the situation in some way, by interrupting or redirecting the conversation.

You can do this yourself if you see a friend being bullied or ask someone you know to have your back the next time a bully approaches you. “Come into the conversation, ask a question of the person being bullied,” suggests Dr. Kahn.

Try using certain neutral phrases that can diffuse or distract the situation like:

  • Can you help me with something?
  • Do you know where this is?
  • Hey! I want to show you something.

“It’s a power struggle at that moment, and the bully is showing their perceived dominance — and if you’re able to take the other person away, you might confuse the bully,” he explains.

Tell an adult or supervisor

This can be easier said than done. But you should always feel comfortable reaching out to an authority figure for support when it comes to bullying. If you’re in school, this could be a teacher, school counselor or principal. Anyone who you can trust and feel safe around.

In a work setting, this may be your manager, supervisor or someone else in a higher position. They’ll be able to help you come up with a plan to deal with the situation and ensure your safety.

Document the bullying

Keep a record of what’s happening. Write down the dates, times and details of each incident. This can be helpful if you need to report the bullying to school authorities or the police. In addition, it can also help you reflect on what you’re going through and avoid misremembering details later.

How to help your child if they’re being bullied

The best thing parents or caregivers can do is let their child know they have an open door to talk about anything that’s going on. “The No. 1 protective factor for children who are struggling is having at least one trusted adult who they can turn to,” emphasizes Dr. Khan.

He adds that knowing how to respond when your child brings up an upsetting concern is also key. “A lot of parents talk about trying to solve those problems their kids are having. In some ways, that can be stressful because it brings up new challenges.”

Dr. Khan recommends the book “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk,” as well as websites such as Pacer’s National Bullying Prevention Center and Act to Change. The latter two are comprehensive resources about bullying.

“I’d recommend all families to take a look at these, along with your kid,” Dr. Khan advises, “so you can start that conversation: ‘Has any of this happened to you?’ and then ‘What can we do to work through it?’”

Alerting your child’s school about any bullying you’ve heard about is also helpful. “Reach out to the school as soon as possible because teachers and staff can be very helpful in keeping their eyes open and being present for your children,” he continues. “School staff are really flexible, and they’re always looking for ways to make your children feel safer.”

As with many problems, preventing bullying requires a village, Dr. Khan says.

“On a larger scale, it’s affected by current events, as well as the media,” he notes. “While we have to make changes at our community level, or neighborhood or family level, it also has to be a kind of change at a statewide and federal level.

“Having anti-bullying policies at schools, having school conferences about anti-bullying, and then having parent meetings to hear about what sort of things are going on in the school are helpful,” Dr. Khan states.

“A lot of parents may not know exactly what’s going on with their children at school. And if the lines of communication are open on both sides, you can start to see some of those problems — and you can stop these things before they’re starting.”

The bottom line

If your child is showing prolonged symptoms of depression or anxiety, or if you hear about severe bullying, a visit to a healthcare provider or pediatrician is best. “They can do an assessment and help your child get to where they need to go — whether that’s someone like me or someone more for talk therapy,” Dr. Khan encourages. “Your pediatrician is really your go-to person for any physical or mental health needs.”